Kids are supposed to bounce, goddamit!!

29 May, 2007 at 11:32 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

I got a call today, whilst I was fighting the good fight at work.

It started with “Now don’t panic, but Tasz has had an accident, and is at the Yass hospital.”

Sure.

I’ll just sit here calmly, my heart rate will not increase, my pupils will not dilate, and the tone of my voice will not change. And I won’t get cranky.

Turns out little miss has a wonderful ability. The ability to face plant.

It has to be an ability, because she’s managed to do this three times, and NONE of those times has she managed to get her hands out in front of her, or “roll” as she’s falling. Just splat.

Natasza had a chipped front tooth (admittedly it was her baby teeth) from a face-plant when she was three. On a bowling ball, of all the stupid things. Or she stood on a bowling ball. Or she was trying to eat one.

Whatever.

As a result of that impact, one of her top front teeth is permanently discoloured. And liquid paper is toxic (and it washes off, anyway)

There was another time she face planted, although I can’t remember the specifics (remember, I only get to see my kids for two days a fortnight, according to the little piece of paper issued by the Family Law Court, so 12 out of 14 days consist of stuff I get to learn about by phone. Sometimes).

 This time, it’s a doozy. From “don’t worry, she’s fine, just a scratch is about all” to what you see below.

Evidently, Tasz was jumping over a flat bench seat type thing at her school (said bench seat is in a bitumenised area, of course) and jumped one last time, and her face beat her feet to touchdown.

Thank God she’s alright: no concussion, no dizzy spells, and no brain damage. Hopefully she will learn to fall properly, and one day soon (and it is a skill, no doubt about it- but maybe it’s a bloke thing- I never faceplanted in my life. Sure, I rode a motorbike into a blue stone wall, and gave myself cerebral contusions, and I’ve gone over the top of three cars (twice on a pushbike, and once on a motorbike) but I’ve never broken a bone. Or face planted. Yet…)

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Who says Australians don’t have a sense of humour?

23 May, 2007 at 8:54 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

Yup- the newspapers are at it again.

 This time, there was a fire in a bondage and discipline centre in Fitzroy, a suburb in Melbourne.

According to “The Age” The MFB (Metropolitan Fire Brigade) issued a statement:

“MBF firefighters were tied up for some time but disciplined and controlled firefighting contained the blaze to one room on the second floor of the two storey building.”

I think that’s funny.

Places, people…and….ACTION!!!

21 May, 2007 at 8:37 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Yup, I auditioned yesterday for a part in a new musical production in Canberra.

The play is “Oliver!”, and just because I am an utter bastard, I auditioned for the part of Bill Sykes, the down right nasty-fighting, girlfriend-killing, self centred villain.

 And truth be told, I sucked.

In the original musical (not the one filmed with Oliver Reed and Ron Moody) Bill Sykes sings a song “My Name”.

 The song indicates the character of Bill Sykes, and leaves the audience in no doubt that he is one mean S.O.B.

 It’s a Baritone part, but sung in quite a gravelly sounding voice.

 So I smoked like a chimney all the way into the auditions, waited around for three quarters of an hour (I was early, and they were late), with my nerves going up a notch every few minutes, until I was called in to the theatre for my audition.

And as funny as this sounds, I was more nervous at this audition that I was when I was on stage in front of 300 people taking my clothes off (The Full Monty- although I got to keep my undies on…).

My singing, to put it mildly, was shit.

The dancing routine we did as a group was OK, nothing very hard there (I think if you managed to stay on your feet, you were considered a “pass”).

The “reading” (they hand you a page or two of script, and you get to act the particular part you’re auditioning for) went alot better- I got to get low down and REALLY angry at some poor little girl (20-ish) that I’d never met before. That’s something (being angry) that I do quite well… Even if I’m doing it in a corny Cockney accent.

Call-backs (allowing the casting crew to finalise their decisions) are supposed to be tonight, and as I haven’t heard anything, then I guess I’ll have to wait til the next show to further my aspirations of fame and fortune (I’ve already mastered Infamy and Misfortune).

Ah well, an artist’s life, en’ all ‘at.

You know they’re growing up when….

1 May, 2007 at 9:20 pm | Posted in Kidlets | 4 Comments

they can defeat you with logic. And arguments you have used on them in the past.

Tonight is one of three nights a week when I get to talk to my children on the phone. Talking to Anthony (3 and bit years old) is sometimes trying, as he can’t seem to put into words what he did during the day, and there is always something to distract his attention. And I don’t believe in placing children in solitary confinement just to talk to me.

 Natasza (7 and a half years old) is quite the conversationalist, and most of the time I can have a quite mature conversation with her.

 Tonight I had finished talking with Anthony (who’s only piece of information that was volunteered was that another kid in childcare had hit him with a train- the rest of the conversation consisted of “yeah”, “I dunno” and “loveyoubye”), and had spent about 45 seconds talking to Natasza when she said “‘Dancing with The Stars’ is back on.”

In my manipulative Daddy’s way, I said “So, that’s more important than talking with me, is it..?”

“Well, Daddy, this is the GRAND FINAL, and I can talk with you any time!!!”

What could I say? I could hear the ex in the background saying, “You are supposed to be talking to your father, now, not watching the TV”, and I said that Natasza’s little statement was quite right.

After all, it’s the kind of statement that I make when I want her to do something….”you can watch that DVD anytime, but I need you to brush your teeth NOW!”

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